Perfection is not the Goal

 

As I sit here tonight with nausea, listening to my daughter in her room singing to her music, I am looking forward to our next adventure.  She turned 15 this Saturday, and we had a small  gathering.  Our real party will be happening this coming Thursday.

We are going to St. Francisville, Louisiana where my father grew up.  I have wanted to take Hannah to St. Francisville for a very long time.  I can remember, after growing up in the big city of Mobile, how life slows down in the country.  I can remember pulling up to MaMa’s house to find my grandparents waiting.  We were often escorted through the garden they planted before we even entered the house.  The lush greenery of the Southern Louisiana bluff where her house claimed space, seemed a growing and vine-like frame for her garden extending beyond where my young eyes could see.  Her back yard was filled with life and love stories.  She told these stories to you with her hands.  Yes, she talked quite a bit.  When I say stories with her hands, I mean, her work in her garden was a love story, and she shared it with me when I visited, by encouraging my help.  I often felt as though I were more capable than I had ever been in any classroom while planting or digging with MaMa.  I also liked the way the earth felt on my hands.  I still do.  Mama’s garden and her home hold many magical memories for me.

Therefore, when my daughter began wanting to stay somewhere haunted or spooky for her birthday, I thought of the Myrtles Plantation in St. Francisville.  Myrtles holds a history of haunting stories as many Louisiana homes and historical places tend to do.  I am thinking about playing a silly spooky game of Clue and all of us having some fun stories to share.

Planning anything these days takes a bit of ambition, because I have a balance disorder which causes me to experience light-headedness, dizziness, and sometimes nausea.  Today to get prepared for the trip I practiced my physical therapy extensively.  I am right now having to accept that I may have to take a little bit of the anti-nausea and dizziness medication for the trip.  I will have other adults with me to help me out should I feel any symptoms arise.

I am also accepting that my home is still messy from the small birthday party on Saturday.  Its Monday.  I spent today doing my physical therapy, planning the trip, and visiting with my family.  I am thinking the dishes can wait until tomorrow.  I know its bad in there.

I also did not make it to church on Sunday.  I was up until 3:00AM with my daughter and her friend painting in the next room and listening to music.  I exercised on Sunday afternoon, and practiced more physical therapy.  I felt very empowered!  I knew I would take this Monday and accomplish great things.  Even so, I am sitting here typing as the anti-nausea pill removes my icky stomach feeling instead of doing the dishes at 10:25 on Monday night.

How can I do such a thing?  Having a Vestibular Disorder teaches one that they can not pull themselves up by the bootstraps to fix their body.  I have learned to work diligently and patiently, without knowing from day-to-day when I will feel strong and when I will feel weak.  Instead of the bootstrap mentality, I have become even more reliant on my faith.  For this reason, my biggest disappointment has been missing church more often this year.  I will learn how to make my exercises and life make room again for what feeds my soul.  I am disappointed that I have not been able to keep the house spic and span, but even more missing church.  I need the worship to feed my soul.  I need the worship to inspire me to remind me to whom I belong.  I will be going back regularly again soon, with God’s help and several alarm clocks!

Why is getting up so hard?  Frankly, the room spins the minute I lift my head every day.

Is this depressing or sad?  No.  I have a new challenge in my life.  I am allowing God to be my support, and I am slowly re-calibrating my life.  I am finding out that so much stuff we thought we HAD to do, we absolutely do NOT!  We do not have to hide that our home get messy, or that we may not have time to do everything.  Having a messy home may be a sign that we are living a full life.  Everyone is different.  I have learned that for me right now, making lists, and following through in between my exercises, struggles, and visits with the people who matter to me, is how I am going to stay positive enough to heal my inner ear.  Not only has this realization helped me heal physically, making myself less obsessed with perfection, and appearances, has improved my whole life.  My family is happier.  I am happier.  My daughter is learning to do more for herself.  I am very proud of her.  She is doing better in school than I have ever seen before.  I have never seen her life flourish as it has this year.  How in the world can her happiness coincide with me being sick with inner ear problems?  I think its me admitting what is too much.  I also think she is a great kid.

I know I keep coming back to the dishes.  The dishes will be there tomorrow morning.  I am truly enjoying learning how to use this blog that I have been trying to set up.  I am doing this blog.  I will get to those stinky dishes.  Until then, I am enjoying this moment.  My nausea has disappeared.  I am still light-headed, and I am hoping I can make my first blog post.

This post may not appear perfectly.  I am still working the kinks out of my web page.  But here is the problem with perfection, I have been writing this page for months now.  I have at least five of them.  This page is the only one that applies to today.  It’s too late now to share about my trip with Kyle to Mexico, and Hannah’s Spring Break.  I might refer to it in the future.  Even so, when I do the story will be from the past.  I like sharing stories more quickly than two months later.  Therefore, its time to get started.  So, here is my first published blog on my site.  I can not wait to see where my blog will go!